Timed Run: Kingdom Hearts (4:23)

[mcity]

SorAlice by ~u63r on deviantART

Alice has disappeared, and our heroes try to find her. All they
find...is danger.

Back in the Bizarre Room, the place where the obligatory DRINK ME
potions are, where we find the Cat perched next to them. Stop smiling,
you blasted Tom. After a brief conversation I don't recall, he
vanishes, taking the potions with him. You just know the fleabitten
Moggie knew the ability to turn into a giant would've come in handy in
the ensuing battle.

The boss is hard to describe; imagine a cross between a bunch of
stacked hatboxes and a spider. Or just click
here.

Like most RPG bosses, he seems to have no mana bar, preferring to rely
on apparently inexhaustable supply of cheap. Donald continues in his
usual capacity; unconsciousness. In fact, he's more useless than
usual, since none of his spells can actually hit the bugger.

According to Jiminy's Blog, the miniboss's name is "Trickmaster". This
has absolutely no reason or relevance whatsoever. All he does is be
tall and, occasionally, on fire.

Defeating him involves jumping to a chair, then the table. It's handy,
at this juncture, to recall that this is a kids game, no matter what
deviantART says. It makes sense that the jump physics are not as
polished as they might be in a more adult game. So when Tricky makes
the chair vanish, it makes perfect sense that Sora will tend to either
fall short or float along the underside of the table. It also makes
sense that on those occasions where he does make it, Trickmaster will
nail him with Fire while he's still in midair, leaping onto the
surface of the table.

The only Ability Goofy has at this point allows him to attack arial
enemies. Since the only targetable point on Trix is too high to jump
for, he gets to smack him around a bit while Sora struggles to climb a
table. Several times I made it up there just in time for Goofy to hit
young master Trick Trickleton, of the Trickshire Master-Trickletons,
into his 'dazed' mode, where he collapses. He also bleeds health,
allowing Donald to briefly revive. Operative word: "briefly".

The T-Master also has a delightful habit of walking over to the
fireplace and setting his arms on fire. This increases the damage he
deals out, and means he can hurt Sora even while dazed, should our
hero walk into or land on one of said arms. I am fairly certain Sora
should've learned Heal by now.

After beating the Trickminator M-4573R, Chesire appears and is
cryptic, which is entirely in line with his characterization. Then the
sleepy doorknob from the start of the level wakes up, and opens up. A
gleam of light is visible, and Sora, quite involuntarily, shoots a
beam of white light into it from his Keyblade. This doesn't bode well
for his future successes with women.

Donald comments that he heard a locking sound, and then Chesire shows
up and tells them Alice is gone entirely. Team Sora realizes they
don't have to stick around. After wandering into a save point, I
notice, for the first time, the "Gummi Ship" option. I realize I
could have left this misbegotten nightmare hellhole any time I wished,
and immediately exercise that option, missing white girl be hanged. Of
the two directions available, I chose the northern path. Next stop,
unknown.

I could head back to Traverse, but I've never been big on running back
to the shops every five minutes. The only RPG I've ever played to
completion was Pokemon Red/Blue, and I tended to wander around until I
figured out how to dupe Rare Candy, so to speak. The shooter levels
are getting more difficult; the initial ones were two stars, the
post-Wonderland are three, with a worrying amount of room for more.

Upon getting past the level, Sora demands that they stop at the Jungle
world, obviously the one from Tarzan. This is presumably due to him
being a teenage boy. Donald wants to continue on, looking for Mickey.
They fight over the controls, and crash-land on the planet.

Sora lands in a broken-down cabin. Thankfully, his hair is more than
gelled enough to both break his fall and resist the humid air
of the jungle. He doesn't have time to think this over, as he is
attacked by a leopard. Since it's unlikely to be eating wood, it has
no real reason to hanging about in the first place. A rather easy
tussle ensues, which ends with our hero knocking it down.

Sora approaches, presumably to poke it with a stick. Turns out it was
just playing possum, and as it lunges at Sora, Tarzan parkours in to
save our hero's large-shoed bacon. That would make the cabin the one
built by Lord Graystroke, Tarzan's father, meaning the leopard was
probably lying in wait for him. Given that he built this place
single-handedly, it also means that for a Lord Graystroke must've made
Tim Taylor look like Bob the Builder.

Much like two foreigners meeting each other, they struggle to
understand each other. During their conversation, Sora spots Kairi
behind Tarzan, and presumably assumes he's seeing things. She walks
behind Tarzan and disappears. I never noticed it before, but that
girl's head is huge.

Tarzan permanently looks depressed, I note. Perhaps he's realized that
his simple loincloth can't compete with all of Sora's bling.
Incidentally, most of my knowledge of Tarzan lore comes from SJ
Perelman's essay "Cloudland Revisited: Rock a Bye Viscount, on the
Treetop". It's available at the NYTimes archives, but it's much
cheaper to purchase "The Most of SJ Perelman", which collects dozens
of his pieces, including two books.

Also, be sure to drink refreshing Coca-Cola.

Perelman noted the presence of Jane's uncle, a standard issue
absent-minded professor, and a standard issue black maid in the novel,
which have been sadly absent from most adaptations. We all know that
the movies would've greatly benefitted from a colored servant
expressing her fears about "hipponocereses". That's the sort of thing
that can be enjoyed by people in any century.

[/sarcasm]

Meanwhile, Donald and Goofy landed in another part of the jungle, in a
clearing ringed by bamboo. Before you ask any questions about whether
bamboo even grows naturally in Africa, remember that this is a world
to itself in the KH-verse, and your silly ecological quibbles do not
apply.

After being woken up by a gorilla with a mohawk--no, really--the pair
wonder if the ape goes to Sora's hairstylist. They also wonder about
Sora himself. Goofy is worried about him, but Donald is apparently
unconcerned about the loss of their meatpuppet. Wacky reconciliation
hijinks will doubtless ensue. Then a large-chested man with a big gun
and a nice 'stache. Clearly, he'll be the antagonist. Also clearly,
he's going to kill, stuff, and mount Donald and Goofy.

We return to the treehouse, and Tarzan leaves by jumping into the
trees. Sora can look around, but there's nothing to do but pick up an
item and follow Tarzan into the treetops. A sliding sequence follows.
Sora slides, Tarzan follows, Sora jumps over branches occassionally,
and we presently arrive at a camp, where he has a happy little
reunion.


Reunion?

Not you, Kadaj. After a chat with Jane while Tarzan stands around and
makes sure the kid don' make no move on his shawty, Clayton strolls
in, all Great White Moustached Hunter with Donald and Goofy, who are
apparently not dead. Sora and Donald are glad to see each other, until
they remember they're not supposed to be. There's a brief bit of
exposition about how Clayton wants to hunt gorillas, whereupon Jane
reminds him they're supposed to be studying gorillas. Perhaps she
failed to notice the rifle longer than his own torso he's toting
around. Perhaps she shouldn't have decided to head into the jungle all
alone with a large, well-armed man. Perhaps she didn't notice his
moustache.



I had the sneaking suspicion Jane was played by Minnie Driver. She
was...in the movie. I'm not sure why I even know that fact, but I
think it has something to do with a nacsent form of my compulsive
self-spoilering of things I'll never watch, read, or play. Yes, I was
all up in IMDb even at twelve. Pray for me.

Anyway, Jane mentions that Tarzan is learning English, and his
progress would be much accelerated if she had a full set of slides.
Recipe cards, slides...I smell a fetch quest! Unfortunately, we're all
out of time. Tune in next week; same snark time, same snark channel.*

*May not actually be next week at the same time on the same channel.