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Juliet Whiskey Fail 005 by ~u63r on deviantART

I've had this unfinished for two months now, and recent events have...made it unlikely I'll find the motivation to.

OH WELL.

Status: "It's Complicated" -> "Single"

A Few Excerpts

Your father or male guardian does not have the luxury of knowing your suitors like you do.

Men's opinions on women < women's opinions on men. Got it. Someone who used to be a teenage boy is going to know a lot more about them than a teenage girl. The suitors specifically, probably not. In general, yes.

If things are going well between your guardian and your gentleman caller, your male guardian will dislike your new boyfriend. He'll play with guns if he has them.

Iceowl seems to have gotten their ideas about courtship entirely from sitcoms.

Under no circumstances are males to be trusted. They can be controlled for brief periods during which they are safe. But then they must be either released into the wild or neutered. Domestication is not possible. Under the proper conditions, any male will return to his natural illogical, biologically unrestrained state.

There is a recurring topic in feminist discussion; saying sexist things against women is Not Okay, even as a joke. Broadly, I agree. I would also extend that to men, and am, in fact, personally offended by being compared to an unfixed and untamed dog.

There is nothing more dangerous than an insecure male. All the world's worst wars have been started by insecure men who blame their failures on the weather or other people, and feel their minor successes are worthy of Nobel prizes.

I'm sure Boudica, Queen Elizabeth, and Maggie Thatcher would be surprised to know that. No, wait, you said the "world's worst wars". That's remarkably specific, especially considering that most of the people in and leading the military have overwhelmingly been men, meaning that even if the rate was the same for both genders, it would still give the edge to men. This is only slightly better than the canard "All wars are started by men."

All teenaged boys prefer the company of their male friends to female company. They need time to grow into a non-physical appreciation of women. Right now, the only reason they date women is to practice spawning and then to go back to their friends and brag.

First dogs, now toads. Lovely.

All men have a contemplative side.

Finally, something positive.

Your job is to stay away from it until you can handle what's inside there. Take ten or fifteen years before venturing there. It's full of landmines and useless whining.

Okay, I've got a sneaking suspicion this list was actually written to recruit new lesbians.

Because men deny this contemplative side of themselves as their "feminine side" many are troubled by this aspect of themselves

I like how the closest thing to a positive side in men is the part that's associated with women.

Teenaged boys have a difficult time figuring out how to negotiate their first relationships.

True, but so do gi-

They don't understand the meaning of the term. There is only "doing" or not "doing". Everything in the middle is detritus to them.

...Screw you.

As is true for you, for young males there is a "point of no return" at which for the prospect of sex the male will abandon all common sense and commence the process whether you are ready or not.

Note how no comment is made on the incidence of this state among young men (and exclusively young men). Perhaps it's during the full moon.

However, in both cases, it is nearly unstoppable--and I say "nearly" because the only possibility of getting out clean lies in your ability to generate substantive and believable ridicule. You must be totally disappointed in him. Presuming you're not dating a rapist ( in which case both you and soon your male guardian will be in a whole lot of awful grief. For you bear the physical and mental scars, and he will spend the rest of his life in jail for premeditated murder)

Not only are young men animals who only want to have sex with girls, but their dads turn into murdering monsters the second their daughters are raped.

letting your male friend know the prospect of sex with him is a major yawn is probably the best deterrent.

Because there's no chance a young man will politely respect a young woman's desire not to have sex, and her only hope is being passive-aggressive. I mean, it's not like young women would actually want to have sex with boys, right?

(I'm being sarcastic, but at no point does the essay mention women having any desire for sex. It mentions them having it, sure, but men are the initiators, and women are unlikely to actually enjoy it because men can't understand female sexual pleasure.)

Make no mistake. Your male guardian will cause grievous physical injury (or death) to anyone who harms you. Every day he prides himself on imagining he will do that. Do not pull that trigger unless you are serious. You have seen the movies. Be careful. Some things cannot be undone.

Seeing as movies are well known for their accuracy in depicting healthy human relationships.

Young men do not understand female sexual response. To put a finer point on it: they have zero concept.

Um.

Male sexual response, despite what stand-up routines and sitcoms claim, is often a lot more complicated than "10 stimulate penis 20 goto 10". I know that, and I'm waiting until marriage. The list makes no reference to what men like; merely penetrating the goddess called women is assumed to be enough. No man, ever, likes foreplay, or small boobs, or Albanian Pudding Wrestling, and sex is a burden to be borne by the heterosexual woman, since it is entirely impossible that an inexperienced lover can become a better one by listening to his female partner, so she shouldn't even try.

Your mother has probably told you by now, men talk about themselves obsessively

"A wise and sensible woman has probably told you a generalization."

Three, they're afraid you'll start talking about something that interests you...

Because young men are only attracted to young women for their bodies, and under no circumstances would be interested in someone they actually shared interests with.

The best way to get a guy to stop talking about himself is to go to the movies, feed him, or tire him out. Then, when he's not talking, he'll be dead silent and you'll be tempted to ask what's on his mind. Don't. Wait twenty years. He'll start having a genuine interest in what you're thinking. Until then, watch a lot of DVDs.

So, let's review. Men are animals, sex isn't fun because young men don't know what women want, and men don't learn how to take non-physical interest in women until their mid-thirties, at least.

Young men are frequently ill equipped to handle the emotions that arise from having sex.

And so are young women. In fact, studies indicate people's brains don't fully develop until their late teens, lacking critical decision-making structures.

One, most people have more sense than to sleep around like sluts if only because of the horrible deadly STDs out there not to mention the fact that confident people don't need sex for affirmation (remember the caution about insecure partners!),

"Liking having sex means you're insecure, like a man."

and two, nothing other than bullets or drugs has the ability to wreck your life more than a rotten sexual relationship.

That's not exactly true. Any romantic relationship, sexual or otherwise, can have negative effects on people's health, especially after breakups.

I especially like how it says men aren't interesting, then denigrates men for not being interested in women. Double standards much?

Here's a post about the double standards in gender-based t-shirts.

And I didn't explode!

>see girl I had a crush on in highschool
>she's a white redhead with nice cheekbones
>realize I had a crush on a girl who looks vaguely like Amy Pond's cousin
>thereIsNoImageMacro.jpg

I woke up this morning and turned on the computer to find that I had made a mistake in a minor area which most people wouldn't even care about. Me being me, this did a number on my stomach.

Specifically, I posted K-Os with the dA watermark over it, and people mocked me for it. This isn't exactly unusual for the Penny Arcade forums; that lot have a habit of being...blunt in their criticism, and I say this as a man who grew up in the Bahamas.

The heavy feeling in my lower abdomen was not helped by the realization that I left my key in my door when I went to get a sandwich late last night, making my fears of a samurai killing me in my sleep that much closer to reality.

Well, back to procrastinating on homework and not being brave enough to call that girl I like.

She's married.

Her profile picture looks so happy.

On my last week of work, I was reading a book on the bench outside while waiting for my ride. A random girl sharing the bench asked me what I was reading. I don't recall what it was, but I do recall thinking that the last thing I needed before I went to school was a romantic entanglement.

Today one of the girls in my life drawing class asked me what I was reading.

Jonn's still got it.

cover thy shame by ~u63r on deviantART

Yeah.