Timed Run: Kingdom Hearts 00:57

[mcity]

I got Kingdom Hearts three days ago, along with the sequel, in a trade with a coworker. Specifically, I traded it for Final Fantasy XII, which I got tired of after having to level grind to fight some mythical creature to recover a MacGuffin I didn't really remember the significance of.

Again.

Anyway, I was planning to finish Ratchet and Clank before that, and had gotten hung-up Chairman Drek, whose boss fight seems to be made of 100% pure argh what.

Last night, I fired up the game after catching up on the first half of the season premiere of Leverage. I missed it earlier since, I was chasing Gold Bolts in R&C and growing slightly more nauseous by the second.

I drew a comic years ago about how trippy Kingdom Hearts is that I cannot for the life of me find, and I found that the game is substantially more amusing if you pretend Sora is insane. Since I've turned Sam Fisher into an addled Vietnam vet during Splinter Cell: Pandora Tomorrow, ("Charlieee," he purrs to himself as he squats through the jungle, "I got somethin' for ya, Charlie. I got bullets.") it makes sense for Sora to be a comatose boy conjuring dreams based on his favorite Disney movies and video games. "I have to outrun the dark creatures!"

The game actually seems to be responding to my MSTing. When Kairi asked me to gather components for the raft-two logs, rope and a sail-"Sora" pointed out that they weren't bringing any provisions for their trip twenty feet off the island to the invisible wall. The next day, Kairi sent me to gather food. While it is nice to have a take-charge leader on the island of children, it would be nice if Simon Camden Riku did more than sit around, look pretty, and humiliate Sora. The provisions-three mushrooms, two coconuts, and two fish-are more than sufficient for the twenty-foot journey.

Speaking of which, there's an unwinnable fight with him during the first day. I knew it was probably unwinnable, and I still wasted a potion on it. You meet him before the fight, sitting on a tree trunk, looking out to sea.

"Sora": Whatcha up to?
"Riku":Y'know. Brooding.

At the end of the day, Riku gives Sora a Papou-or something-fruit. "You wanted it right?" he says, and continues on to note that when two people share it, their destinies become intertwined.

Let that sink in.

It was a cutscene, so I could facepalm at leisure while Sora continued to sputter at Riku pouring out his affections for him. Less than an hour in, and the slashiness of their relationship has already exceeded a good portion of actual slashfic.* The next day, Riku claims he gave Sora the fruit to share with Kairi. Uh-huh. You're not fooling anybody, you white-haired prettyboy you.

Riku also sees fit to outrace Sora, in order to decide who gets to name their raft; he prefers the "Highwind", while I preferred "Sora". The fact that both of these are men's names was lost on everyone present, as was the fact that it was a reference to someone Riku had never met. The fact that Cid Highwind appears in Final Fantasy VII, while Tidus and Wakka, also on the island, are from FFX, and Selphie, I believe, is from FFIX, games which Squeenix keeps insisting are not related. PIME TARADOX.

Another interpretation of the Destiny Islands is that children were placed on a desert island, much like the cast of "Lord of the Flies", except without an annoying kid in glasses. "Kill the chocobo**! Slit his throat! Spill his blood!" The events of the game are Sora's hallucinations after being conked on the head by a coconut.

I found all of the provisions but the last mushroom before signing off for the night. According to Gamefaqs, I have to chat with Wakka, one of the aforementioned three non-important NPCs on the island, to gain access to the area where I find the item. Talking to people? What kinda cockamamie RPG is this?

Also, Donald and Goofy appeared in a cutscene, but the only event of note is that Donald has terrible distance vision and a sweet hat.

*Disclaimer: I do not actually read slashfic.
** Original draft said "mouse", but that was both thematically inappropriate, possibly a lawsuitable offense, and just plain disturbing.

Comments

[mcity.livejournal.com]

I just refuse to take it seriously. If I ever find myself at risk of that, I just look at Sora's shoes.

[tea-and-tophats.livejournal.com]

What's even better than this is imagining Sora responding to all of this like a real 14/15 year old. The swearing and angst I imagine make the game all worthwhile.

[mcity.livejournal.com]

Every time he looks up at Kairi, I imagine him thinking "Don't look at her boobs. Don't look at her boobs. Think about something else. Think about Riku's silky, platinum hair, his tight buttocks-wait, that's even worse. Think about hair gel, think about hair gel-"