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Aug. 1st, 2010 06:38 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mcityI was reading a fanfic that was a post-apocalyptic version of a long-running cartoon franchise. The males of the team were dead, and before the females took on a town full of vampires, they took off their clothes and washed with holy water. Then they had sex, washed again, and got to work.
In other words, they took of their clothes for no real reason, then had sex for no real reason, then fought bloodsuckers. And then the non-POV girl dies(TVTropes, NSFW).
If you really wanted to be Darker and Edgier, you would've made the POV character have unprofessed feelings for the other girl, including peeking while they had their bath, and catching the other one staring a few times before that. Then when N-POV dies, she confesses her feeling with her last breath, and then POV, (for what would have been the second time in the story, I think) cries. Or N-POV has been keeping a journal with her feelings in it, and POV takes the key off her corpse. Y'know, make it tragic. Whedon it up a little.
I know the idea of the dry, stripped-down narrative tone is to show that POV is repressing her emotions, but there's maybe one paragraph of foreshadowing before the sex scene, and it borders on a Big Lipped Femslash Moment(TVTropes).
It reminds me of that fanfic I mentioned earlier when the one character's primary character trait was that she was a lesbian. That one was a good premise with decent writing sunk by intrusive Fan Mypoia, whereas this one had a good premise, good writing, and one out-of-place moment.
In other words, they took of their clothes for no real reason, then had sex for no real reason, then fought bloodsuckers. And then the non-POV girl dies(TVTropes, NSFW).
If you really wanted to be Darker and Edgier, you would've made the POV character have unprofessed feelings for the other girl, including peeking while they had their bath, and catching the other one staring a few times before that. Then when N-POV dies, she confesses her feeling with her last breath, and then POV, (for what would have been the second time in the story, I think) cries. Or N-POV has been keeping a journal with her feelings in it, and POV takes the key off her corpse. Y'know, make it tragic. Whedon it up a little.
I know the idea of the dry, stripped-down narrative tone is to show that POV is repressing her emotions, but there's maybe one paragraph of foreshadowing before the sex scene, and it borders on a Big Lipped Femslash Moment(TVTropes).
It reminds me of that fanfic I mentioned earlier when the one character's primary character trait was that she was a lesbian. That one was a good premise with decent writing sunk by intrusive Fan Mypoia, whereas this one had a good premise, good writing, and one out-of-place moment.
